Friday, August 26, 2011


I'm going home for the weekend meaning I won't have net access and there are still stories to be told! Because I'll be gone for a few days, I'll go ahead and tell you of my adventures at Wal-Mart. Yes, Wal-Mart. You know the store that never closes and always seems to be a place for strange people to hang out? Yep, that's the one. I know it doesn't seem likely that I could have an entire entry having to do with exclusively Wal-Mart related incidents but trust me... you'd be surprised the kind of things that could happen here. Honestly, sometimes I don't even believe then and I happen to be living them.

To start things off, Tillie was with me for this story. Yep, everyone's favorite Oompa Loompa. Previous to the story I'm about to let you in on I had left Tillie at Wal-Mart for a few hours one day. Usually it's a really good thing for her to get out of the house and interact with other people, shop for underwear and socks, get ice cream from McDonald's - any number of things she possibly does while she's at Wal-Mart. The problem with this though? Usually she doesn't know she's being left behind. The day she did realize it? She wasn't happy about it. She complained for hours about how her feet her and how I was so mean to leave her there and go home to shower instead of taking her home. Needless to say it'd become a grudge she was going to hold on to for as long as she could. And boy, did she hold on to it.

Fastforward to an entirely different day where she's seemingly behaving herself. I decide to bring her to Wal-Mart with me (without intention of leaving her behind this time) to get her out of the house once again. Everything is going smoothly throughout the entire time. By this point, I probably should have been wondering if she had something up her sleeve or if she was secretly plotting my demise. Naturally, I wasn't given the gift of foresight so I was left completely naive to what was about to happen.

With scant groceries in my cart, we manage to make our way up to the cashier. Slowly the items of the people before us are scanned through. Tillie makes conversation with the woman in front of us. Apparently at some point the woman had helped her find the restroom. They start speaking in Spanish saying things that I didn't understand. Then the woman begins to speak to me and I have to tell her that I don't understand. She switches to English for my benefit. Tillie takes this time to say, "She doesn't know Spanish. She's from Chihuahua" ....wait, what? I was born and raised in El Paso, Texas. You can imagine the look of surprise that crossed my face at that moment as the woman looks over my incredibly Vampire-esque white skin and lack of any Mexican look to me. "You're from Chihuahua? I have family there." - "No, no. I'm not. I was born here." - "Oh." Awkwardness ensues. As Tillie once again babbles on about Chihuahua. But, this is just the beginning. I didn't think she could be anymore... well, Tillie, but she has a knack for surprising me. Not all the time in good ways.

It's finally our turn at the register. As the cashier is ringing up our things Tillie decides to turn around and make friends with the guy behind us now. Poor guy only has two things in his arms to pay for and looks like he's only slightly older than me. Tillie picked up on this too. "She's single. Do you think she's beautiful? Do you have a girlfriend?" That's right. Right there in Wal-Mart I'm left blinking and staring at this stranger with the most apologetic look I could muster. "I'm so sorry." - "No, it's alright." He laughs it off. Tillie keeps going. "Ooooh, Katie. Look, he's single too. He's in the Army." I'm not really sure what else she's said at this point because I'm too busy trying not to turn bright red and make eye contact with the poor soul that had happened to start conversation with her. "Alright, Tillie. Come on, time to leave. We're done here." The cashier is giving me a look like, "You have to get your old relative to pimp you out?" And the guy is giving me this pity-filled look. I bolt. And am not amused. All the while Tillie keeps on rambling about how he was a nice guy and I should have dated him. Do I willingly go with Tillie to Wal-Mart much anymore? Not at all, folks. Not at all.

So, I'm not really sure what you're thinking by this point. But I can assure you that you'd better be thinking you're lucky for not having to deal with that. Pimped out at Wal-Mart.

What possibly could top that story? Well, not quite sure if it tops it but.... you'll see for yourself.

My daily attire sometimes happens to be a spaghetti strap shirt and a pair of pajama pants. It's entirely too hot to wear anything else, unless it's shorts. I happened to be wearing this one night I decided to venture through Wal-Mart. With Matthew and Joseph this time, too. We end up going through picking up all and any snacks we may need for the time that they're staying with me. Everything is going normally and nothing looks out of place. There's no pimping me out this time. Nothing bad happening anywhere. Seems like it'd be a pretty boring story, doesn't it? Well, we get back to Grandma's house and unpack everything and it's only then that I notice....

In my favorite pair of pajama pants, my Elvis Presley ones, I've got a hole. Not just any hole. Oh no. This hole goes all the way down the right side of my butt leaving it completely open for underwear to be shown, if not my entire right buttcheek. I have no idea, still to this day, how I didn't notice this when I was walking through the store. Or how no one pulled me aside to tell me about this. The first thought I had when I find out? "Why didn't I at least wear cute underwear?" If I'm going to be showing my entire buttcheek to people I may as well have a nice pair of undergarments on for people to look at, right?

I ended up having to throw that pair of pants away, sadly. But the adventure doesn't end there.

A few weeks later I have to run to Wal-Mart again. Yes, I realize that it sounds like I live there. And honestly? I practically do. The difference this time is it's about four-o'clock in the morning when I decided to go. Wal-Mart, like stated before, is a scary place to go. Especially when you're a young girl. To remedy this I ended up making Jeremiah, one of my best friends, talk on the phone with me the entire time I was at the store. Yes, he made me forget some of the items that I needed to get but at least I wasn't molested or something. As with what happened before, everything in the store goes by completely normally. There's nothing out of place or anything worrisome that I need to think about. Everything is good, right? Nope. As per usual. I really need to stop thinking that nothing will happen when I go.

Just as before, I go home and unpack the things I bought. Still, I'm on the phone with Jeremiah. I happen to reach to feel my back pocket (I'm wearing jeans this time!) only to find that there's a hole. Not only is it a hole. It's almost an exact replica of the hole I had the first time around only this time it's my entire left buttcheek that happens to be showing. And this time? Once again I'm not wearing anything but a pair of plain underwear. Why can't it happen when they're flowery?! Am I meant to flash the people at Wal-Mart in sub-par underpants? I suppose I am. And obviously I'm not mean to feel when I end up having a bit of air conditioning. Nor are people going to point this out to me. I'm going to assume it was because people thought I was following a style. Though... the type of style that would be is certainly not one that I'd go out in.

Evidently I'm meant to be a pimped out exhibitionist. At Wal-Mart. So, ladies and gentlemen, the next time you wander through Wal-Mart think of all the possible situations that could happen because you never know when you may be one of those weird people everyone goes wide-eyed over.

Until next time, lovies. Shop safe!

1 comment:

  1. I love the nalga story!! Maybe Tillie is messing with your pants!! Just a thought!